Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Finding the Right Balance

Ive always been the girl that was crazy in love, could and would do anything for a guy she liked, I've always been that girl ladies would describe as stupid, you know the one that would go over and beyond for a man, even one she met a few months before, I've always been the girl that crushed on a guy with the snap of a finger, id go to bed with a smile on my face, imagining a life that didn't exist with a man that wasn't completely mine.
Basically, I've always been the girl that gets hurt at the end of the day.
The past Year and a half has been really rough for me in terms of matters of the heart, I've met my share of douche bags and no-nonsense mofos, who have thought me a lesson or two and made the girl i described above do a complete 180degree turn into a no-feeling, quickly irritable, realist.

I decided that what i needed was a guy that was crazy about me, but who i didn't have feelings for, as far as i was concerned, that's the right way to not get hurt. Well, been there now and i realize this girl who feels nothing makes me uncomfortable, i want my heart to raise at the voice of a guy, i want to giggle and be happy to talk to him, i want to wake up and think of him first, i want to remember to pray for him, but still i want him to think that way of me.

I miss being in love, or even liking a guy, since my last disaster, i just closed up, SHUT!!!!! I hate it.
I don't know if I'm scared of opening up, or if maybe i just haven't found the right guy that can make my defenses fall, whatever it is, i think its time i end this sorta kinda relationship I'm in, no one deserves to be with someone who doesn't care about them the right way. I'm just wasting both our times.
Now i see that i just have to find the right balance.
This isn't it.


ifeanyi Udo said...

Hey Just passing by, nice post. I think life should be an adventure, lived to the fullest.Good thing you decided to take a step back If you stop lovin because of a few bad r/ships you just end up more miserable. in the end d really sappy relationships teach us how to love...never rule out a happily ever after ending!

Crushthots said...

U know wot to do.
U need to find the right balance. Don't be afraid to feel but make sure that as you feel, you think.
The heart shouldn't be allowed to think, it's the brains job. When the two work together, it should all come together nicely.

CherryWine said...

Babe, I was the girl you described as not feeling anything. I always went out of my way to be unfeeling and mean. Only the persistent could survive me. But once you thawed me out, I was the giggly school girl, always signing boys surnames with my name in secret. I decided to do things the other way and that relationship, though short, was really intense. Point is, either way I started off, I ended up being burnt. And like every relationship where you're hurt, I closed myself off. It is a natural reaction. It takes time to trust again. Expereience this process and bear it so that when love comes again, you will appreciate it more. Things will become brighter, food will taste better etc. Let this process do its work. It is during this process that time heals you and prepares you for the next awesome stage.

CherryWine said...

I agree that you should end this current relationship. You are clearly not ready and you will end up hurting and detesting yourself. Let time do its work. When you're ready you will know.

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