Ive always been the girl that was crazy in love, could and would do anything for a guy she liked, I've always been that girl ladies would describe as stupid, you know the one that would go over and beyond for a man, even one she met a few months before, I've always been the girl that crushed on a guy with the snap of a finger, id go to bed with a smile on my face, imagining a life that didn't exist with a man that wasn't completely mine.
Basically, I've always been the girl that gets hurt at the end of the day.
The past Year and a half has been really rough for me in terms of matters of the heart, I've met my share of douche bags and no-nonsense mofos, who have thought me a lesson or two and made the girl i described above do a complete 180degree turn into a no-feeling, quickly irritable, realist.
I decided that what i needed was a guy that was crazy about me, but who i didn't have feelings for, as far as i was concerned, that's the right way to not get hurt. Well, been there now and i realize this girl who feels nothing makes me uncomfortable, i want my heart to raise at the voice of a guy, i want to giggle and be happy to talk to him, i want to wake up and think of him first, i want to remember to pray for him, but still i want him to think that way of me.
I miss being in love, or even liking a guy, since my last disaster, i just closed up, SHUT!!!!! I hate it.
I don't know if I'm scared of opening up, or if maybe i just haven't found the right guy that can make my defenses fall, whatever it is, i think its time i end this sorta kinda relationship I'm in, no one deserves to be with someone who doesn't care about them the right way. I'm just wasting both our times.
Now i see that i just have to find the right balance.
This isn't it.